Thought of the Day: My Heart.

11:06AM, Wednesday, 24052017.

I always hurt with them. Either way, I'll be lonely either I'm with them or I'm alone. Hari tu kata buka puasa seorang, tak ada teman. Habis aku siapa? Tahu-tahu keluar nama dia dalam list orang orang yang balik malam ini. It felt like my mind went somewhere else, for that short moment. I'm lost, I'm speechless.

It's okay, Nisa. It's your choice to walkaway. To satisfy them. So that, they will not feel as if I'm being bias or taking advantage of them. Therefore, the decision has been made for me to walkaway from them. I'm cold. I miss my old self. Maybe because I stay here too long. Almost reaching 4 years of my life here. I always wonder why is it always me whose at fault and to be blame? Why?

How is that? Puas tak sekarang? Kalian tuduh diri ini dengan pelbagai tuduhan. Menuding jari padaku. What am I supposed to do, so that you will not felt as if diri ini mempergunakan kalian? Diri ini datang dan pergi sesuka hati, yeah, it is absolutely my fault. Which beyond that, nobody knows. Deep inside...

Demi Allah, aku tak mampu lagi sudah nak berhadapan dengan kalian. I may act as normal. But I cannot go any further than that. FYI, I'm a type of person whose easily attached. That is it, that is my fault. For being me. That's me. And you will hit me damn hard if you ask me to not being myself. I'll be damn hurt. And one of you just did that. And I think I can see myself how cold have I been since then.

I cannot ever talk by looking them in the eyes. Bukan dendam. But, that's what happens. Kecewa, cuma itu yang mampu aku katakan. Insha Allah, tiada sedikit dendam pun dalam hati. Malah diri ini berusaha untuk mendoakan yang terbaik buat kalian semua. Everyday, I try to forgive and forget everything, and I pray for others to forgive me too.

It's just that a crumpled paper will never be the same paper as the paper newly released from the factory. Thank you. I accept my qada and qadar. Everything happens for a reason. There will be a big hikmah later behind all of this. I learnt a lot. Thank you so much. I'm sorry, I love you.

Wallahu a'lam. 니사

Thought of the Day: Passion.

Suddenly at this particular moment, I want to do a little bit of throwback about my passion. It's like a video tape playing inside my head. Going all the way back to those moments of me being so passionate. So, I decided to write something about it. Tell some uninteresting story about myself. Haha.

CAMERA

I used to love camera, very much. Imagining myself holding a DSLR, being a photographer. I'm neither an art person, nor a creative thinker. But, that's what I've been dreaming of not too long ago. I will took pictures at every inch of evey corner. I have also once wished that I have the Samsung Galaxy Camera that can be connected to a wifi for an instant share online, and it is white in color. And I don't remember exactly the flow of the timeline, but my parents bought a camera once, for me. And I still have it now. It's SONY. The features, include ability to go underwater. But now, it can't because the cover of the battery charging port was gone, which may allows the water to get inside the camera causing malfunction. I rarely use it now. You know why. Eventhough it produces a much better quality of picture. If I'm not mistaken, I remember I once won in a photography contest during my high school. It was my stepping stone back then, for me to pursue my passion. But, it got lost somewhere in the universe.

GUITAR

I saw a guitar at my grandma's house. I used to stay with my grandma for maybe a year or two. Sometimes I secretly took it out, just to get the feeling of touching it and listening to the sounds it could produce. Eventhough it sounds terrible because I never met a guitar before and I didn't know how to make it sounds better. The guitar belongs to my aunt. Not too long after my secret meet and greet with the guitar, my aunt decided to gave me the guitar. And fast forward, one of the strings was broken due to my own fault when I'm trying to manually tune the guitar. So, I bought a string at a mart to replace it and ended up not knowing how to. The guitar is still there, at home, I think. I couldn't remember when was the last time I touched it, or even saw it. I've been thinking some methods on how to fix it, but it just not happening. I've been preparing myself watching some online lessons and tutorial for beginner. It just went straight to the drain. But, I want to fix it one day because my aunt gave it to me, so I should take care of it and fix it.

PIANO

Recently, I've been searching on YouTube about how to choose a good piano as beginner. And I'm stuck with Yamaha P45. I love it. It's magnificent. Back then during my high school years, I've learnt how to play a song from a friend. I couldn't remember what song, but the singer is Judika. It's an Indonesian song. I've been so eager to grab and play a piano. Generally, I always wanted to play musical instrument, at least one instrument is more than enough, and is not like I want to become an expert or a professional. I have a very high passion on this. Although, I'm hoping it to be true, but sometimes my brain tricked me that it's all not worth it, which most of the time I do agree with it.

Well, I wish I could do all of that now. Working hard to make the dreams come true. But, maybe not in this world, maybe in another world, at least. Everyone has their own dreams and passion which we always wanted to achieve and be good at it. We are being created by God with purpose. Live your life to the fullest for the better life hereafter. Don't destroy it, don't ruin it. And everything happens for a reason. HIKMAH. There will always be a hikmah behind all things that happen in our life. Have faith and always believe. :)

Wallahu a'lam. 니사